well its been somewhat of a traumatic couple of months, within myself i have changed my mind, questioned my life, and well, been places and felt things i probably shouldnt have. but that being said a sense of calm is starting to wash over me. i am still so unsure of myself when it comes to work, i think i am one of those people that has to work, im not real good at being the stay at home mum, dont get me wrong i love the boys and cherish every second i am with them, but i still feel something is missing.
i have this urge to study, to conquer something new .. sam wants to support me but doesnt want me to study just for study's sake, he believes that it should be towards my career .. and well of course it will be, but a huge part of it is .. study for study's sake ... dont know, i like the sound of the social science (human services) degree http://www.unisa.edu.au/study/progcourses/undgradpdf/Social_Work&Human.pdf
(hmm gotta work out html properly...hopeless). oh well time will tell, maybe its too late to change career path, or just too hard.
i have been getting my scouting stuff organised and am starting to feel on top of that again. am cooking for 30 venturers on the weekend as they do their leadership course, so that will be good. it is great to have so many on the course, we normally have to cancel them cos noone applies.
next comes my friendships ... why is it that i am determined to cause such a problem, why cannot i just accept friends for friends sake ... i have to attach so much energy and emotion to it and then, of course they run ... please dont run, i need you part of my life ... my insecurities cause me to question my friendships, i mean honestly why the hell would anyone want to be friends with me, what do i have to offer ... and ok, i dont really mean that, but it some ways i still do, it is a struggle.
well one day at a time ... ok back to work, enough distraction ....